Writing has always been a passion of mine, you know it, I know it. So why should I stop when I need it the most?
I started this blog back in 2015 when I needed a place to write, it was overflowing my own brain and I just had to get things out. I knew it would be a beauty blog but that I’d also have a much more personal touch on it where I share milestones in my life, large events, and just updates you know? It’s good to feel like you know the person behind the blog post you’re reading about a certain product. I think so anyway.
A few weeks after I bravely published my first blog post, my Grandfather sadly passed away. He had been unwell for quite some time and even though it was expected nothing prepares you for the worst. My mum booked a flight and was in another country by the next day. Thailand. 4 days before Christmas I was left without the person I needed the most, the only other person who was grieving in this country for my Grandad. As you know I’m half Thai and all of my mum’s side are over there, so my English side of my family had no connection or attachment to the person I had just lost.
Growing up my Grandad was one of the most important men in my life. Although I only saw him for approximately 2-4 months out of 12 every year he, along with my Grandmother were the two people I looked forward to seeing the most. They were my rock’s, my number one fans before I even had a blog or any sort of dreams. They wanted to see me do amazing, do the things they never did because they didn’t have the opportunities in a rural village in the North of Thailand when they were my age that I do here in a country that grows more and more everyday.
Losing one grandparent out of the two was hard, it was hard to see my Grandma alone. Not really, because she had the rest of our family around her but she had spent everyday of her life since being a young teenager with this one man and she suddenly didn’t have him anymore. She was the strongest person in my eyes to carry on as fiercely as possible to show us grandchildren that we have to move on.
Quite some time has passed since then, but every day I’ve thought about my Grandad, the things I would say to him if he was still here or the places I would take him to if he was ready and waiting for me to step off that plane back into my second home country. I have to take some sort of comfort that my dear Grandad is now just with me everywhere I go, he will be with me when I get married one day, when I do great things, when I achieve things in life I’ve worked forever for. You know? I talk to him sometimes, just when I need to feel close to him.
Grief lasts longer than sympathy.
And that’s ok, I learnt to cope with losing my Grandad because I had my family to think about and my Grandma who was suffering the mot from it after losing her life partner. I eventually picked up and I carried on going as long as I could.
Another person I loved just as much as any of my Grandparent’s and my family members is my Uncle Austin, this time from my Dad’s side of the family, AKA English fam. 3 weeks ago my Uncle sadly lost his battle and passed away. It was his time to grow his wings after suffering from Parkinson’s disease for too many years. He was a great man, and his funeral proved so. The kind words, the amount of people that arrived to pay respects and the smiles on everybody’s faces when they listened to the stories people had to share of the wonderful man he was. Being much closer location wise to my Uncle, I was lucky enough to spend much more time in life with him. Growing up and right up to recently I would visit, either as a family or alone.
With the mix of anxiety and grief building up I started to lose myself, not understanding whats what and what I want. I felt so broken, that life isn’t fair and it shouldn’t be this way. Why have two special people who have been nothing but amazing to this world lost their life so cruelly? It’s something I’ve asked myself every single day.
I was lucky enough that everybody on Instagram and Twitter supported my break from the blogging world and let me grieve in my own time, you guys sent me so many messages, full of kind words and support. Comments and Tweets flooded my notifications tab and it made me feel so loved. When you live in your own world without many real friend’s hearing those lovely words from people who may have never said anything to me in the past was really special to me.
I took three weeks off blogging and my YouTube channel. But let me tell you something, before we lost my lovely Uncle, I had almost ten blog posts ready to go live. All drafted and ready to click publish when the time was right. I felt as though if I clicked publish on a blog post I wrote week ago people would start to think that I wasn’t really grieving, when I was. I was in so much pain over the loss we had suffered and I didn’t want people to think bad of me for not understanding the post had been written weeks ago. So I took the break I needed and got on with my life, focusing on rebuilding myself, carrying on for the sake of my family and being as strong as I can to make sure I mentally didn’t destroy myself.
It got to the point though that I CRAVED my blog, I wanted to write a blog post and share how I was feeling, or just click publish on one of the older reviews I had drafted last month just to feel a sense of accomplishment, like I had got something done, just to feel a bit more positive. I had a happy spell and decided to film a video, I got on it and thought I’d edit it straight away too, lets get this motivation on the go! I had finally won myself back, I felt like I was officially getting back some kind of ‘norm’.
How could I be so wrong?
I stayed up late this particular night. The 21st of February turned into the 22nd, it had gone midnight and I got the biggest shock of my life.
How could it be real? She wasn’t poorly. You must be on about somebody else’s Grandma, mine isn’t sick. How could she be here one minute and not the next?
The phone call I received from Thailand confirmed it all. I had just lost my last Grandparent and the grief, heartbreak and shock hit me all at once. I felt like I had just been hit by a huge wall of disappointment. Then the awful thoughts started to flood my mind.
I didn’t get enough time with her though, it can’t be real.
I’m never going to see my Grandma again.
I’m never going to hear my Grandma’s sweet sweet voice or laugh.
She won’t be there to answer my call when I phone her.
I’ll never see her beautiful face again.
Grief, sadness, all of it. It just hit me. I knew that before I went to sleep I had to post something on my Instagram, the support I received after my Uncle was out of this world and I needed it again. I shared a post and let you all know I would be away for a while from my accounts whilst I grieved all over again, this time for two people I had lost in less than a month.
A few more days have passed and I’ve never needed this blog more than I do right now. Emotions are running high and if you’ve also lost somebody you will know exactly what grief is like.
One minute you could be crying on the floor, the next you could be laughing at something stupid on the TV and then crying again because the person you’ve lost will never be able to share laughter with you again. You don’t see no life ahead of the next day but you also can’t wait to do amazing things and make your person proud. It’s also different for everybody, but this is how it’s been for me.
Right now I want to write, I need to write. I need to get everything I’m feeling off my chest without clicking publish on a pre-wrote blog post. That’s not me right now so let’s be real, my blog is real. I began blogging to enjoy it, not to be successful and have it become a professional blog where not one inch of personality shines through. I want my blog to be with me during the worst days of my life and also the best, the paid blog posts and the stupid blog posts, be with me every step of the way.
I felt like I had started to push things away, help for one. And secondly my blog. I was forcing myself to stay away from my laptop and type because I was too worried what other people would think about me publishing a blog post when I’m going through one of the worst experiences of my entire life. But this is real life, and my blog is real.
I don’t even know what I want to come from this blog post, probably nothing. It’s just something I needed to write, to talk about it.
I lost my both of my Grandparent’s within 14 months.
It’s ok to cry, its ok to grieve, do what you need to. Look back on this and remind yourself Debra, that you aren’t going crazy, you aren’t stupid for wishing more people would support you and you are definitely not losing mind.
It’s going to take a very long time to feel normal again after losing three amazing people in my life but you can’t do that when you shut yourself away from the world who is actually there to support you. I’ve learnt a lot in two days, that I need people and it’s ok to need them, don’t kick yourself. Every single day is going to be a day where I strengthen myself, not become a weaker person.
If you’ve recently lost somebody too then I’m sure you will feel my pain with every word I’ve written straight from my heart. If this post doesn’t do anything then thats fine, but if you’re somebody reading this because you didn’t know where else to turn to either then please remember you have people, but most importantly you have yourself.
Putting myself first is going to be the most important decision I make every day from now on, but its also ok to ask for support. Like I said, GRIEF LASTS LONGER THAN SYMPATHY, so if you need help, ask for it, because people get to a point where they stop asking you because they perhaps presume you are ok.
Tomorrow’s another day to work on rebuilding myself, and its the same for you too.
Lots of Love, Deb x