The last six weeks have felt like I’ve been on a train, going 1000 miles per hour with no control over when we arrive at the next stop. Which might explain why I’ve been a little bit quiet on my blog over the last few months, even though there has been the odd post go up. Once December came around and I prepared myself to jump into doing daily blog posts I quickly found that too much was happening at once and I wasn’t able to keep up with the demand so gave myself an unofficial break, to just enjoy the festive period with my family and Jonny.
The unofficial break turned into writers block and then quickly into feeling like I was completely out of touch with my blog, I mean it’s totally ok to feel like that as its a common feeling for any human to feel like they’ve lost motivation for something they enjoy doing every now and again. It happens with work, with a hobby and even with people in your life. You’ve just got to go with the flow until you feel ready again, so thats exactly what I decided to do. So whats new? Whats old? I’ll tell you whats been happening…
I’ve spent the last few months focusing on my business whilst preparing to turn my blog into a business too, can you believe that the blog I started two and a half years ago is quickly turning into something I could actually make a go at, full time? It’s actually madness. It’s partly why I’ve had my head in all kinds of places, with owning your own business comes responsibility. I’ve touched on the fact that almost two years ago my father handed me down the huge responsibility of taking over the family business, its something I’ll talk about more in its own post one day when I feel ready to but with that level of responsibility its inevitable for you to sometimes find working and playing, hard to juggle. Nobody teaches you on how to deal with certain scenarios and there is definitely no picking this kinda’ stuff up in business school, not that I went to one. That’s why when you find yourself face to face with a dilemma like, whether you choose a family business or a blog you would absolutely die for as your future, it kinda’ shakes things about.
You’ll be happy to know that I didn’t make a sole decision to only focus on one, instead I’m slowly figuring ways on how I can incorporate the two, so that there is a equal yet healthy balance since I’m not prepared to lose either of them… which in the long run should mean a happier mental state, more regular content and a better run family business with the help I’ve needed.
I’ve always been honest on my experience with anxiety on my blog, my social media and to my friends. As honest as I can be anyway. Anybody else that finds themselves battling anxiety on a daily basis will agree that sometimes you don’t know what you’ve done, if you’ve done enough or if you’ve done too much. That’s why I find it hard to keep people up to date on whats going on up there in my brain, because half the time I don’t know myself.
Anxiety hasn’t gotten any better in the last few months, if anything I feel like its getting worse. In some ways I’m handling things much better now, I’m finally doing a few more and saying YES to more than usual and I’m able to discus things a little more openly with my family again but in other ways I sometimes feel like I’m fabricating it too much and I’m not showing just how much its affecting my brain. All very confusing, but isn’t that what anxiety is?
My doctor is doing a fantastic job in finding the right path for me to go down next. You hear horror stories about doctors brushing off anxiety when you go for help but I’ve been blessed with one of the most unbelievable doc that sits and listens to everything I’m feeling and tries to explore as many routes to help me. After years of discussing my anxiety and how we can both deal with it, I still don’t feel like I’ve lost hope when I speak to him about things. Fingers crossed I have a whole new update on that and how life is going with my anxiety in the next six months.
Oh friends. Friends, friends, friends. And no, I don’t mean the TV series that you’ve all heard is finally on Netflix (and yes, I have started it from the beginning). Again, talkin’ about friendships on my Twitter is something I’ve been fairly honest with over the last few years of running a blog. I’ve discussed battling feeling like you have nobody at home, to losing friends and even making new ones. More recently I massively spoke about a certain friendship which left me feeling like I was suffering from a relationship breakup. Something not many people discus is that losing a friend can be just as bad as a relationship breaking down but more and more people seem to be feeling the same… Unfortunately sometimes you’re compatible with somebody for years and one day something clicks and changes. Whether that be a one sided thing or from both parties.
Don’t be afraid to grieve for this friendship break up the way you would with any relationship. It’s normal, and a topic people should openly discus so much more. You go through all sorts of questions in your mind and emotions that follow those. Could I have done something else? Did I do too much? What did I do wrong?
No explanation and contact makes the process so much worse, especially the you’re carrying a huge, WHY? around with you. This is exactly what I dealt with for a large part of last year and come 2018 I told myself that the new year would bring a new positive outlook. No negative friendships here, thank you. 2017 was the year I left some of the most important people behind but 2018 is the year I finally put myself first, just like my mamma’ always told me to.
There is an update with the friendship break down though, and it did result in a happy ending. Luckily.
It’s not my story to tell but all you need to know is things are more positive now, people have grown as individuals for the better and friendships have changed. Here’s to a stress free ’18 with no more worrying about friendships, we’re grown ass adults. We don’t need to text daily and we don’t need to worry about cancelling plans cause our adult lives got in the way. Friendships should be simple, not leaving you feeling like you have to force the effort to make it happen. You’re either with me on this journey or you ain’t.
“shoutout to low maintenance friends, the ones you don’t talk to for months because you’re both living life but when you meet up, theres nothing but love”
Friendships aside, the friends that I’ve managed to catch up with the most this year so far have provided us with some amazing plans. I’ve spent nights gossiping to my closest over girly sleepovers, blogger events and plenty of photoshoots. I even spent the whole day in London last week with one of my best friend’s as an early birthday present to her. You can read about our experience at The Shard here. There has been so many exciting things happening with so much more planned for the future and as always, I’m so excited to share it all. Think, more day and weekend trips out of Doncaster, meeting new people, exploring new places and stepping out of my comfort zone just that little bit more.
For now, I’ve decided to take a step back from YouTube as I felt like the whole process of setting up, recording, editing and then not enjoying the footage was just exhausting. I’m enjoying the casual vlogs over on Instagram stories where I feel a little bit more in control of what I do, and don’t share. My blog has always done better than my YouTube channel anyway, and quite frankly, I enjoy writing more than I do YouTube. So it makes sense to put the energy I do have, into this instead.
For now, I’m going to focus on what feels right. My boyfriend, Jonny. My friends & family, my business and my blog – and see where it all takes me. You get one life, don’t be pushed into investing your time in doing something you don’t want or don’t enjoy. I’ll be publishing posts around twice a week from here, with beauty reviews finally making a come back (I’ve had winter bad skin and dermatitis which put a big pause on testing new products out for reviewing but things are OK again) and basically just doing what I love the most, writing.
Very kindly shot by my girl Izzy in a nearby village local to where we live, on what felt like the coldest day of the Winter…
DRESS: Primark (Summer 2017)
JACKET: George, ASDA (also featured here)
SHOES: Primark Sale (£6 BARGAIN! They still have some left too)
BAG: Aldo (Kindly loaned by Izzy)
JEWELLERY: Majique London (also featured here)
CAMERA: Canon 750d 1.8 50mm lens
If you made it this far, thank you. Catch ya’ soon.
Lots of Love, Debra-Bow xxx